7.07.2005

do YOU ever feel like

maybe you aren't cut out to be a mom?

I mean, I love these kids to death but sometimes (and sometimes is becoming more and more frequent) I can't help but wonder if I was supposed to be doing something as my "career" right now. Perhaps an accountant, or clown, or a WNBA star (but never a gardener - I KILL plants dead!) I've been trying REALLY hard to focus on the good stuff (see previous post) because there is a lot. But every day, every tantrum, every hurt...I feel myself slipping a bit more. I mean, did I just get "lucky" and hit the mommy lottery with TWO extremely difficult children (and trust me, after getting Jake through "babyhood" we thought there was noooooo fricken' way Zack could be any harder. We were wrong.) or am I just doing things all wrong? I see friends and family that make motherhood seem so natural. I *used* to feel that way but now I feel like an imposter - just pretending that I know what I'm doing. Zack, for instance, when he's upset (which is a lot when I'm around) is inconsolable. Shouldn't a mommy be able to comfort her baby? When I hold Z, sing to him, rock him...he just squirms, pinches, scratches, bites and headbutts to free himself. Shen I set him down, he gets even angrier - what am I to do? I try not to take it personally but it hurts. A lot. ANd damn, now I'm crying (again). People always comment about how calm and laidback he is...and he IS, with other people. They must all think I'm a liar when I tell them he really CAN be quite a handful. The last three weeks I've been working and Carlos has been staying home with the boys - they are good for him. The second I walk in the door all hell breaks loose. That says it all right there, eh? I'm a sucky mom. This all sounds so whiny and bitchy - if you know me, you know I hate coming across that way but I needed a place to vent and this seemed as good a place as any. Anonymous to a degree but still comforting as I know most of my readers care about me.

Sorry I'm such a downer...I tried to inject some humor (I know you're like"huh, where??") since I really don't like feeling sorry for myself. Carry on with your dady, lol, I'll try to be a bit more upbeat tomorrow! I know this was rambling and probably typo filled but I don't have it in me to re-read it right now. Thanks guys.

9 comments:

  1. everyone feels down every once in awhile, i think we're sharing the past couple of days. you rock at what you do - no one knows how to be a better mother to J and Z than YOU! love ya.

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  2. I beg to differ!!!
    From what I know about you so far....I know that you didn't write all of that to search for people to tell you what a great mom you are....but I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ANYWAY!! You two love those boys to death...and I think that you are both wonderful parents. After spending the weekend with you guys, and seeing the way you look at Z when he's sleeping, the way that you got bummed out when J slept throught the fireworks... the way you want to document everything that they do...because every little thing that they do is amazing to you, it's pretty easy to see how much you love them. I admire you to be able to admit that once in awhile, you have a weak moment. I admire your patience (even though I'm sure you lose it sometimes)...and I know that Jeremy and I both admire how much you two sacrifice, and how completley un-selfish you both are when it comes to making those boys happy....I honestly don't know if we could do what you two do. I don't think there is any "right" or "wrong" way to be a good mother...the only thing a great mother can do....is love her children with her whole heart...and I know that you do that every single day :) With that said...I beleive it's DEFENITLY time for a night out! You name the place and we'll be there :) **smile**

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  3. 1st off...not sure anyone can be a mommy and not have these feelings.
    I have different "issues" with mine but definately have the same feelings! J is a handful and a half and I wonder if he (and I) will survive! He is into everything and I can't take my eyes off of him for a second! The girls....UGH! Not sure if I'll make it through the summer.....and I am not joking here! I may end up in a looney bin so if you don't hear from me for a while, please send a search party to "mommy of toddler and a few pre teens looney bin, inc."!
    Things will get better! I promise....as if I'd know ;) LOL! J/K...I do know because they *were* better before we had J, but then they got....different....not bad just different. Love my sweet boy.....
    okay, sorry I am writing a book here but know they adore you with their whole souls!!
    hugs E....feel better!
    ps...sometimes (most times) when I am VERY grumpy at one or all, I do a layout on how I love them...or about the feelings...just to get them out and for whatever reason, I feel better.

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  4. E. I'm so there on so many days. parenting is THE hardest job out there. And I take my hat off to you as a SAHM. Seriously, I couldn't do it. or not well anyways. You are doing an awesome job.

    They say the best things you can give your child are a happy, healthy home. And you have done that. Having two young, active, busy boys is a handful, but I know it will get easier.

    Sendings big hugs out to you E. you are an AMAZING mom. I know this without a doubt. I'm here to listen anytime you need :)

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  5. I have always said that being a parent is the hardest job in the world. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have some self-doubt about being a mother. You are a good mom - your boys know you love them.

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  6. Anonymous6:21 AM

    Well my lovely Erica, I have seen you grow from child to teenager to college student to wife (in a bad relationship) to a strong and daring single women to wife again (good choice this time, I do love the baggage you brought back btw) and now to the Mother of 2 wonderfull children. I have to tell you being a parent, from the older side of 50, I have learned there is no right way to do it. Love and hope for your childrens future is all you have ot go on. The experts are wrong, most of the time, we amatures are left to raise the next generation so we trudge on and just do our best. You have SOOOO much of your mother in you that I know how lucky J and Z are to have you for a mom! After all I Love your Mom with all my heart and her children as if they were my own. Stepkids and Stepgrandchildren andwords I choose not to use. God bless you my Daughter!!!!!

    Grandapa Can't Say NO

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  7. Oh Erica it's so hard isn't it? mack is not easy at all and some days she wears me right down. I just want to go in my room, lock the door and cry- some days I do cry. She has been hitting lately- not fun. And it's hard to be the bad guy all the time and give her time outs in her room and here the insane screaming etc.... but in the end i know that I love her and she loves me back. I guess I partly understand her fiery natureas I have it in me too- I'm difficult, I'm moody and I'm also tons of fun and get excited at little things. No real advice, just wantedto say you are NOT alone in feeling that way. BIG hugs sweetie.

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  8. Erica....you hang in there girl!! I have a few insights for you!

    I feel this was sooo often! Did you say you have been working out of the home for a few days?...the boys are feeling resentful and really miss you and are acting out when you come home because they do not know how to communicate to you how much they miss you...they are almost angry at you and thus act out!

    It took us a bit to figure this out also..Drew did this with Eldon...he started having to work longer hours so when he would get home Drew would turn into this little MONSTER...and Eldon would ask me if he was that way all day and I would say..No...so confused!

    Well...we found out if Eldon would just kinda ignore Drew for a bit when he just got home (I know that sounds mean) but after about 1/2 hour or so Drewie would just be clinging to Daddy...it just took him a bit to warm up so to speak..it was just the weirdest thing...now he is used to Daddy's new work schedule and all is right again.

    Daddy's can do no wrong in little boys eyes!! In fact he shows so much affection to him and so differently to me that sometime the ole "green eye" stirs inside of me...again making me feel like a crappy mom....

    So...wow...didn't mean to write a book...but listen you sweet chick you...YOU ARE a great mom and those boys love you!!

    oh...and yeah...all wanting to snuggle and rock..not a chance...my boy will not stand for it either...I miss the "baby" days when he took a bottle...that was our sunggle time...that is gone forever..sigh...

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  9. Ok, so I feel terrible. I had no idea you were going through such a hard time, Erica. :( I'm so sorry, girl. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better than when you originally posted this. You are NOT alone in having those feelings. I frequently wonder if I'm affectionate enough, am I too strict, do I yell too much, etc. etc. etc. I love my kids to pieces, but I don't profess to be the textbook image of a SAHM. We have our share of rough days, too. I feel ya.

    I agree wholeheartedly with those who commented before me. You're a GREAT mom. You love your kids. They know you love them. And the art that you create is so full of your love for them that I have no doubt whatsoever that you're an amazing mother. Here's to better days. You deserve them. :)

    g

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