maybe you aren't cut out to be a mom?
I mean, I love these kids to death but sometimes (and sometimes is becoming more and more frequent) I can't help but wonder if I was supposed to be doing something as my "career" right now. Perhaps an accountant, or clown, or a WNBA star (but never a gardener - I KILL plants dead!) I've been trying REALLY hard to focus on the good stuff (see previous post) because there is a lot. But every day, every tantrum, every hurt...I feel myself slipping a bit more. I mean, did I just get "lucky" and hit the mommy lottery with TWO extremely difficult children (and trust me, after getting Jake through "babyhood" we thought there was noooooo fricken' way Zack could be any harder. We were wrong.) or am I just doing things all wrong? I see friends and family that make motherhood seem so natural. I *used* to feel that way but now I feel like an imposter - just pretending that I know what I'm doing. Zack, for instance, when he's upset (which is a lot when I'm around) is inconsolable. Shouldn't a mommy be able to comfort her baby? When I hold Z, sing to him, rock him...he just squirms, pinches, scratches, bites and headbutts to free himself. Shen I set him down, he gets even angrier - what am I to do? I try not to take it personally but it hurts. A lot. ANd damn, now I'm crying (again). People always comment about how calm and laidback he is...and he IS, with other people. They must all think I'm a liar when I tell them he really CAN be quite a handful. The last three weeks I've been working and Carlos has been staying home with the boys - they are good for him. The second I walk in the door all hell breaks loose. That says it all right there, eh? I'm a sucky mom. This all sounds so whiny and bitchy - if you know me, you know I hate coming across that way but I needed a place to vent and this seemed as good a place as any. Anonymous to a degree but still comforting as I know most of my readers care about me.
Sorry I'm such a downer...I tried to inject some humor (I know you're like"huh, where??") since I really don't like feeling sorry for myself. Carry on with your dady, lol, I'll try to be a bit more upbeat tomorrow! I know this was rambling and probably typo filled but I don't have it in me to re-read it right now. Thanks guys.